It's My Turn
by Scorpion24
Summary: This is set directly after Harry leaves the Grid to go and meet Lucas on the rooftop... It's a bit of a angry, sad and smutty alternative ending to season 9. Enjoy!


**So….I seem to have had about a two year writing block! I'm so sorry! I know I still have "If it's not like the movies" to finish and I am working on it, but I am trying to get back into the writing flow and this is my starting point **

**This is set directly after Harry leaves the Grid in Season Nine to go and meet Lucas on the rooftop. It gets a little smutty (something I've never written before so I hope it's okay!) but I hope it sort of goes with the flow of the story… Enjoy!**

"So that's it then."

He stopped, the harsh accusation and bitter words tearing relentlessly at his heart. However, despite the pain he knew he should be feeling, a steely numbness seemed to of risen inside him- a sense of defeat that he was not so accustomed to.

"What do you want from me Ruth?" His quiet words rested heavily in the atmosphere and the fact that he remained facing away from her spoke volumes in itself. He heard her breath hitch and somewhere he became aware that he had braced himself for the forthcoming outburst, regardless of the fact that he had resigned himself to the knowledge that their was nothing she could say that could break his shattered heart any further. He waited. The silence spread and no words came. Another sharp intake of breath escaped her and it suddenly dawned on him that she was crying. "Ruth?" Slowly he turned to face her through his own watering eyes.

She was closer than he had expected- a mere arms length away. She was shaking uncontrollably and her hand was clasped firmly to her mouth, as if trapping some of the evident pain deep within her.

They stood facing each other for long moments until she managed to regain some control. When she finally spoke her voice was tired and resigned, yet still spiked with a disgusted accusation. "You were just going to leave me? You were just going to walk out with nothing more than _it's my turn_? What the hell, Harry?" Her voice was steadily rising matching the burning fire in her eyes. "Were you really just going to walk to your death with nothing but a bloody flippant remark? You stupid, selfish bastard! Don't you realise how much I lo…"

Suddenly he lunged forward and grasped her firmly by the arms. "Don't you dare!" he hissed warningly, his face fearfully close to hers. "Don't you dare put that on me!"

She swallowed hard and the fire and anger seemed to burn brighter as she met and challenged his determined eyes. Suddenly, without warning, he pulled her flush against him and captured her lips hungrily in his own. His hands slipped behind her back and pulled her closer to him as her own hands found the nape of his neck and pulled him deeper into her mouth. She needed to taste him, to feel him, to memorise every detail about him. She wanted to drink him in in his entirety yet she couldn't seem to quite get enough of him.

When they finally pulled apart both were breathing heavily and tears were streaming freely down their cheeks. Gently, Harry raised a hand and brushed away a rogue curl from her face and reactively Ruth moved and brushed her lips against his palm. "Don't go, Harry. Please".

He smiled wistfully down at her, trying in vain to hide the heartbreak that was occurring inside his aching chest. When he finally spoke his voice was miraculously calm and collected. "Ruth. We both know I'm going to go and… Don't argue! You said it yourself, I traded a state secret for you and now I must face the consequences."

She began to shake more violently in his embrace. Her eyes wide with panic, she shook her head. "No. No, Harry. You… you listen to me. If you walk out of here now, then that's it. If you walk away from here then… he'll… he'll kill you." He swallowed his instinctive response of agreeing wholly with the sentiment. Instead, he pulled her close to him and planted soft kisses in her hair while tracing soothing patterns on her back. "I didn't mean it, Harry," she mumbled against his shoulder. "I didn't mean what I said just now, in the office."

"I know," he whispered, drawing back slightly so he could look into her eyes. Her eyes were shining with tears but there was also a burning need that he thought he recognised.

"Harry. I lo…" But Ruth found herself cut short once more as he kissed her.

"Don't," he breathed, pulling back slightly. "Please. Don't."

"But, if I don't tell you now then I never will."

He smiled at the irony of the situation and registered a similar recognition in her eyes. As if answering his wordless plea, she continued, "We're not leaving things unsaid again Harry. It nearly broke us once and I can't do it again… I can't… please!"

The panic in her eyes had resurfaced and her shaking resumed. However, Harry was more determined than ever. He knew it was now or never. Shaking her gently he spoke with authority. "You listen to me, Ruth. I'm going to go now. I'm going to leave you here and I'm going to go and face up to the consequences of my actions. Then, if…when I return, I'm going to say exactly what needs to be said. Do you understand me?"

She swallowed hard, but could not seem to comprehend any of it. Not the fact that he was going. Not the fact that he wanted to say it. Not the fact that it wouldn't be said. Not the fact that she would never get another chance to tell him.

"Ruth?" he pleaded, his voice cracking slightly with a desperate urgency. "Do you understand?"

"Yes" she whispered. "Yes Harry. I do."

And with one final, painful kiss, he turned and vanished from sight, leaving a broken Ruth in a quivering heap on the floor.

No one spoke as she re-entered the Grid. Nobody questioned her shaking shoulders or red eyes or tear stained face. Nobody looked up from their computer screens as she walked straight towards his office and slammed the door shut behind her. However, when she cried out from behind the closed door there was not one person on the grid who did not flinch at the pain and heartbreak.

Tariq stood urgently, before faltering and hovering by his desk. "Should I..?"

"No." Beth did not even look up and had it not been for the tears streaming down her own cheeks Tariq would have deemed her heartless. However, knowing she was right he merely flopped back down into his chair and continued to follow Harry's final journey on the various CCTV cameras.

Silent minutes passed between the three spooks. Silence that was punctured only by the agonising sobs resounding from the office. Suddenly a loud crash made them all jump.

"Shit! What was that?" hissed Beth, clutching reassuringly to the arms of her chair.

"I…I'm not sure…" stammered Tariq, his panicked eyes darting to the closed office door.

However, Dimitri merely remained staring at the handset on his desk as if willing it to ring. Good news or bad, he had decided long ago that he needed to know That _she_ needed to know. He spoke softly, simultaneously reaching for Beth's hand and entwining his fingers in hers. "Whisky bottle… Ruth…"

"Right" breathed Beth giving his now shaking fingers a tender squeeze before all three of them settled back into the uncomfortable and terrifying silence.

_Ring. Ring._

All three officers stared at the phone. "Do we..?" croaked Tariq. "I mean, should we let Ruth...?" But the phone stopped ringing. All eyes darted immediately to the office.

"Yes? Hello?" Ruth's voice resounded deafeningly of the office wall. She felt like she had not spoken for an eternity and now the concept had become alien to her.

"Ruth…" It was all he could manage. Both began gasping for breath as they sat cradling their only available contact to each other. As her sobs wracked her aching chest she managed only one sentence, before she hung up the phone and poured her breaking heart out once more. "Get back… here… now!"

"You go and ask her."

"No you! She's known you longer!"

"No, you're used to things like this more than me and…"

"Oh for God sake!" Beth's sudden outburst stopped them dead. She suddenly sprang to her feet and glared at them both. "Ruth is in there and has probably been told the love of her life has just been murdered by a member of this bloody team! Now, one of you two needs to grow a pair and get off your blumbering arses and get in there and see if she's okay. Okay?"

She stared angrily at them both, yet neither one seemed to return her gaze. Instead, they had become mesmerised on the figure which had just appeared silently from the pod behind Beth.

"Where is she?" he ordered, his voice quiet and torte.

"Office" breathed Dimitri, trying to qualm his disbelief. "But, Harry… we thought… how…?"

"Not now" warned Beth who, on turning and seeing Harry's ashen features, simultaneously collected all three of their coats and ushered her baffled colleagues quickly towards the pods. She paused as she reached Harry and looked up at him. Slowly she lent forward and softly kissed his cheek. "Tell her" she whispered, before turning on her heel and marching from the Grid, Tariq and Dimitri following close behind her.

He rested his hand tentatively on the handle of the door and took a deep breath. Slowly the door slid open and there she was. He stopped, unashamedly meeting her passionate and hungry eyes.

"Ruth…" he sighed. It was all it took. The sound of her name on his lips was all she needed to propel from the middle of the office into his arms. Roughly she pushed against him, bruising him with a forceful kiss, dragging him closer and deeper against her. They were frantic as hands grasped to explore, learn and reassure each other. They needed to feel each other to believe it was real. They needed to know that each other were alive. They needed to revive each other to their full being.

His hands drove suddenly up her spine, craving closer contact with the bare skin beneath the thin material of her shirt and she gasped into his mouth. She returned the favour greedily pulling his shirt free from his trousers before making swift work of his belt.

Nipping her bottom lip lightly, his hand slid suddenly downwards and beneath the waistband of her skirt, the material immediately pooling about her ankles. Stepping out of the garment she allowed him to turn them so that she felt the dull thud of the door behind her. She ached uncontrollably for his touch and her body seemed incapable of being without it. Arching against the solid surface her hand grasped his buttock firmly and pulled him flush against her.

She moaned softly as she felt his throbbing erection rubbing insistently against her hip and her knees buckled involuntarily at the pulsing sensation it drove through her. She felt herself losing control as she deftly unzipped his flies and hooked her legs around his waist.

Harry was so hard for her he felt he was about to burst. He had never felt such a strong, overwhelming need for anyone. He needed her around him, encasing him. He needed them to be one. The cool air hit his pulsing penis as his boxers and trousers hit the floor and he shuddered at the rapid friction he felt as she grinded the sodden lace of her knickers roughly against him. Her moist juices seeped through the thin material and he had to bite down on her lip to stop himself coming right then.

Reaching between them, he deftly tore the material of her knickers away and pulled her down hard on to his pulsing shaft. Finally breaking battling lips, Ruth cried out, pounding her head backward against the wall as he filled her with every reassurance she had ever needed. She closed her eyes against the over spilling emotion and pleasure she was currently experiencing as Harry pushed harder into her as his leant into the wall for support. They had made it. He was here. Harry was here, with her. In her.

Her moist warmth engulfed him as he pounded harder against her whimpering body. She tightened her legs around him and arched violently as she drew him deeper than either imagined possible.

A maddening need to own her, to worship her whole body over came him and he pressed her deeper against the cold wall with his torso, realising one of his hands. He roughly tore at the restricting buttons on her blouse and was rewarded with an intoxicating black lace bra. Delving inside he flicked his thumb none to delicately against her sensitive nipple. Gasping she convulsed harshly against him. She was so close. He felt her walls tightening around him. He felt himself slipping into desired oblivion.

She suddenly reached down and, grabbing his buttock firmly, ground her hips suddenly forward coursing them both the spill harshly over the edge.

They stood motionlessly joined and breathing heavy as the their joint cries of pleasure echoed off the office walls. Finally, Ruth opened her eyes and looked directly at him. Both had tears swimming at the overcoming notion that they had finally made it.

"Say it" she whispered, her voice horse with desire and exhaustion.

He leant towards her, earning a soft whimper as he moved inside her sensitive sex, and captured her already swollen lips gently in his own. Pulling back slightly he looked deep into her shining eyes. "I love you."

**So… I hope it wasn't too terrible for getting back into the swing of things! Please R and R and let me know if I've done the right thing returning to writing Spooks Fan Fic **** xx**


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